Discussing inheritance is hard.

"Who gets Grandma's ring?" can be a touchy estate issue if Grandma never discussed the idea with anyone while she was alive. Too often, after someone dies, the most heated family squabbles are about personal items that have only modest monetary value.

That is one of the conclusions of the recently released Allianz American Legacies Study. In fact, distributing personal possessions of emotional value was five times more likely to be the greatest source of family conflict than the division of finances according to baby boomers whose parents are not alive.

Allianz Life Insurance Company hired Age Wave market research consultants to design a comprehensive survey about intergenerational wealth transfer. They surveyed about 2,500 individuals. About half were boomers (age 40 to 59) and half were from their parents' generation (age 65 and over).

The research found that both boomers and the elder generation were uncomfortable discussing the topic of leaving an "inheritance." Discussing dollar amounts and dying is seen as being greedy.

However, both generations enthusiastically welcomed the idea of leaving a "legacy" because that concept captures all facets of an individual's life -- including family traditions and history, sharing stories, values and wishes.

The researchers found that non-financial leave-behinds -- like ethics, morality, faith and religion -- are 10 times more important to both boomers and elders with children than the financial aspects of a legacy transfer.

Although both boomers and those in their parents' generation say they are having in-depth conversations about legacy and inheritance, most of these conversations are not happening in a truly meaningful way.

Sixty-eight percent of boomers and 71 percent of those in their parents' generation say they are very comfortable discussing legacy and inheritance. Yet only 31 percent of elders and 29 percent of boomers have actually had a thorough discussion that includes values and life lessons, instructions and wishes to be fulfilled, personal possessions of emotional value, and financial assets or real estate.

The study also looked at whether elders thought estate property should be divided equally among all children.

Seventy-one percent of elders with a lower net worth felt that distribution should be equal. Only 54 percent of higher net worth elders agreed.

The elders with higher net worth are more likely to favour performance-based distribution than those with lower net worth. They would like to give more to the child that has cared for the parent and less to the children that caused stress and conflict. Some want to include grandchildren. Parents need to explain such unequal distributions with their children to avoid hurt feelings and feuds.

The good news is that 89 percent of the elder generation has made some plans for legacy transfer. Furthermore, 67 per cent of elders have sought assistance from a professional advisor.

Both generations look for a legacy advisor who is honest, trustworthy and compassionate. They want a good listener and a clear communicator. Being able to explain things easily was more important than knowledge of how to minimize taxes.

Families need to have important conversations about their family legacy as soon as possible. Parents and children who don't talk about legacy issues may be setting the stage for feuding after the parents' deaths. They also miss a great opportunity for sharing their thoughts on family traditions and values.

Where do you begin? You can start by finding a professional advisor. Among the designations to look for are Chartered Life Underwriter (CLU) and Trust and Estate Practitioner (TEP). These credentials indicate the advisor knows the basic technical aspects of estate planning. But you will have to interview the advisor yourself to see if they have the personal qualities you desire.